MY OIL DRIPS

Five years ago, I took the risk of walking away from my former relationship. 

I called it a big risk because this was a relationship of six years (friendship + the actual relationship). 

This was a relationship I poured out ALL of me into building. I am yet to get over certain sacrifices even after five good years. 

The things I experienced and endured in that relationship were beyond me. I was literally dying. This part is not for today. 

On the outside, people were coveting our relationship. It looked so perfect, beautiful and peaceful on the outside, but on the inside, I was struggling to breathe.

So, five years ago, on a Sunday, 5th Jan, 2020 precisely, in the middle of a church service, I picked up my phone and composed the break-up message. 

The message I typed that day, I'm convinced it was not I who typed it. God must have possessed me. 

I can't put it word for word, but I can paraphrase the message I sent. 

"If we want to really please God and want our lives to glorify him, this relationship has to go"

I started shivering as soon as I sent it. Where do I start from? How long will it take? 

As much as people think I broke up with him, I am confident enough to say I didn't break up with him, rather,

I broke up with his mentality 

I broke up with his belief system and philosophies 

I broke up with his thought process

I broke up with insecurity

I broke up with lack of trust

I broke up with a domineering nature. 

I broke up with unforgiving spirit. 

I broke up with being voiceless and being subdued. 

I broke up with MANIPULATION of the highest order. 

Above all, I broke up with consistent fornication. 

At first, it was more of deep romance and outercourse (genital rubbing without penetration). That went on for long before a little bit of what I can call sex set in. 

One day, my ex asked me why I did not always look at his face anytime he was preaching on the pulpit at any meeting we attended together. He said he observed that once he was the one preaching or leading prayers, I would always face down. 

Really? He asked me that? 

Till I left that relationship, I couldn't give him the answer his question deserves. 

How on earth would I be so bold to look you in the face when, most times, we just stood up from the bed of fornication, and you are there spitting fire on the pulpit! 

I couldn't find that courage or confidence. As much as he was fervent and hot, I often felt ashamed of myself and even embarrassed on his behalf anytime he mounted the pulpit to preach. I was so disappointed in myself that I allowed myself to be lured into such act.

But, how is it that he couldn't see it? Or he didn't feel it? How is it that he was still asking such a question? I didn't expect that at all because for me, the guilt was haunting me daily and I unconsciously avoided looking at him straight in the eyes. 

Was he not feeling ashamed too, let alone desiring that I should be looking at him face to face while he preached? 

I couldn't even behold his face because once I looked into his eyes, the only picture that comes to mind would be the disgusting activities that went on between us. 

He initiated me into the act of consistently reading Psalms 57. We both became regular customers of that chapter of the Bible. It is weird! Remembering those things now, gives me heartache.

Every morning whenever we fell into the sin, he would take the lead in reading that chapter. It became our ritual. 

At a point, I began to feel ashamed reading that particular chapter of the Bible. Till now, I still hate to read it because it brings back disgusting memories. 

I know you would say the fornication was based on consent or agreement. Well, maybe you are right, but how would I have known that the person I was trying to put up with was once a sex toy to a lady when they were on campus??? 

For me, I see this more as ignorance and foolishness rather than consent. I didn't so understand until I got into it. 

He had been so immersed into the act such those years after he had left the lady, he still had the trait. At a point, I became scared if he hasn't inflicted me with the spirit of sex-rush. 

The first time he was to have his way with me, it was with emotional force and that overwhelmed me. I compassionately agreed out of pity. I didn't know I was foolish. That once became multiple times. Oh, it remains the greatest regret of my life. 

Anytime I raised it as an issue, he would ask why I was feeling so insecure about it. He said afterall, it had always been genital rubbing, actual sex was just a few times. My head would go gbagaun as if I should slap him! Like? How could he trivialize something that was that serious! 

I started getting depressed because I wasn't used to such lifestyle and it was as if I was beginning to go too far away from my innocence and decency. That was too much for my conscience to bear. I started feeling so dirty and filthy. 

Well, the fornication narrative is just one out of many issues though. We had so many incompatibility issues. We fought almost every time. There was no peace of mind. A lot of issues were mishandled and things got really messy that we couldn't handle them. 

Abuse set in, in different forms. Lots of them. We would have heated argument so much that I began to sense it clearly that if we continued that way, we could end up beating ourselves up one day in our marriage. It would have happened out of impulse, frustration and unconsciousness.

Based on all the issues, I had a strong desire to leave but I wasn't successful with my two attempts. Each time, I would become overwhelmed again about "how would I move on", then I would go back to him even when he needed to apologize for anything. He never saw the need to genuinely apologize for anything. I was the one ALWAYS apologizing and then I realized that awkwardness was beginning to colour the relationship. I kept going back and forth until one day, one great day. 

That day, he told me he was sure that I have a generational curse that would not allow me to be successful in marriage was the day I got sense. Everything became clear and I got the strength to finally walk away.

Sure, there were some elements of mishandling of matters in the relationship from both us due to insufficient knowledge, but the emotional pain, torment and torture were way beyond bearable.

I have many lessons from my last relationship, but with the hints I have given you, I want to leave you to deduce your own lessons. What can you deduce? What lessons do you have?