Afraid of Intimacy?

Do you know that the fear of becoming vulnerable can make a person shy away from intimacy? 

This is it. Many times, we are afraid of sharing close emotional and physical connection with others because we don't want to be open to emotional injuries.

Meanwhile, depending on the kind of interpersonal relationship, a certain level of intimacy is always needed to keep the bond. For instance, the level of intimacy and transparency shared with a marital partner may have to be deeper than that shared with a neutral friend, and the depth of intimacy usually determines the level of vulnerability. That is, the more you open up yourself for intimacy, the more vulnerable you become.

Refusal to obey this law of openness is detrimental to the growth of any kind of relationship. 

Possible Reasons for Fear of Intimacy

People become afraid of intimacy for many reasons. For many people who are so used to being by themselves, often times, it is really not because they don't want to make friends; they do wish but the responsibilities that come with the intimacy stage scare them away (It's a stage that requires more openness and commitment). And even when they eventually make friends either forcefully, consciously or unconsciously, they end up shying away from such relationships the moment they notice that it is becoming too close.

They believe that too much closeness can lead to emotional or mental trauma and they do not want to be victims of such. For them, being too close is like setting themselves up for ridicule and cruel attitudes in the end.

Why do they think so?

★ So many times, it is because they are afraid of being abandoned or rejected after they might have revealed the whole of themselves.

Intimacy is genuinely sharing your true image with another person and relating with the experience of closeness and connection. Many people however can't succeed at this stage and, contrary to our common opinion that it is probably because they are proud, have secrets or they are not just serious about building any relationship successfully, it is most times not their fault. 

Some people have built strong walls around their hearts because of their past experiences probably as a young child. Some adults today for instance have suffered abandonment from people (parents and nuclear or extended relatives) or even a partner from a broken relationship who were supposed to be close to their hearts and make them feel loved. They have been emotionally lonely all their lives so much that they ended up believing that every other person they meet in life will do the same to them (leave them!)

★ In addition, the fear of intimacy, for some persons is triggered by their lack of self-confidence which is shown in their inability to stand the judgement and evaluation of other people about them. People who grew up with constant negative criticisms from parents, siblings or other relatives are more prone to suffer this lack of self-confidence. So, as they move into the adulthood phase, they keep building a shell around themselves and withdraw into it whenever they see any signal of intimacy.

They lack the mentally readiness to receive criticisms from others because they've had enough negative criticisms while growing. And by default, they think no one again will ever say something good about them or appreciate their efforts.

They are full of fear that they would never get good feedback or compliment from people. A part of them tells them they are not doing well in whatever they do and as such, they have no nerves to withstand negative comments. It hurts them! 

They would rather be by themselves to avoid people questioning them about what they are up to and the happenings in their lives. Consequently, they live a secluded and private life. This people can't go near the intimacy stage of relationship at all, talk more of having a successful relationship. More reason some people jump from one friend to another (neutral) or they become serial daters (marital). They cannot sustain  any relationship without getting tired at the intimacy stage.  

Therefore, when next you come across people who find it difficult to be emotionally or physically stable in their relationships with others, do not be quick to judge them. Rather, dig deep into why they have come to that point. You may want to help them believe again and convince them that people who deserve their trust and openness still exist.  

And if you are the one in that shoe, I am glad to tell you that you've already taken the first step which is to identify and acknowledge the weakness. Having done that, it is now time to come out of your shell and get hold of your freedom.

The hallmark of the fear of intimacy is lack of trust. And if you are trying to get out of it, you must understand that not everyone you come across would be dangerous like the people in your past life. Not everyone wants to hurt you. Build your capacity to trust again before you lose tangible gifts.

Allow yourself to enjoy the benefits of quality relationships and give others the benefits to enjoy your amazing soul. Don't shortchange yourself or others of fantastic privileges because of your past experience. You've only learnt how to draw the line of moderation not a total lock up. 

Remember, intimacy is not possible without a touch of vulnerability. Be free. 

Thanks for reading.