The Fear of Vulnerability

Consider the snail. Each time you touch its foot, mouth or tentacles, it withdraws into its shell. In fact, most times, we use that to determine its status, whether dead or alive. So  your ability to react to pains or withdraw from it is a sign that you are a perfect living soul. Don't make the mistake of thinking something is wrong with you or you are emotionally weak. It's okay to feel pain and respond to it. 

Many years ago, I found it hard to comprehend the word 'vulnerability' without getting confused. All I knew at the time was that my openness and say-it-all attitude was causing me a lot of self-damage. Alongside being a reserved person, I usually do not carelessly glue with people without being sure of who they are and as a result,  I had just one or two friends. But the moment I chose anyone as a close friend, I got carried away so much that I would willingly unleash every bit of myself; my past, my plans, strengths and weaknesses. Also, I was practically verbose with whoever I picked as a heart-to-heart friend. 

However, I discovered that wasn't working for me. The feelings of insecurity usually accompanied my act of openness. Although, it was not always because friends took advantage of me but sometimes it was because my consciousness and my state of my mind whispered to me that I was not safe due to the excess information I had given about myself. 

Vulnerability is to be open and transparent to the point of susceptibility. More often than not, revealing too much of oneself poses a risk of being physically attacked or emotionally traumatized. 

As small children, we are open and free, sharing all of ourselves with others. However, as we grow and mature, we learn that the world can be a very painful place. We learn that not everyone is on our side, and not all situations are going to go our way — Lisa Fritscher

Naturally, transparency tendency is higher at childhood/adolescence due to naivety and innocence but that tendency becomes reduced as we get exposed to the dangers that comes with transparency. As we grow, life teaches us to protect ourselves, build walls around our hearts and be more secured. 

Our ability to dodge or avoid vulnerability differs in degree. For some people, that ability is inborn. Without any history of abuse or disappointments, they are naturally protective about their privacy and they love being by themselves. But it is quite difficult for extroverts who are excessively friendly to control or avoid vulnerability because they relate with other people with the whole of their hearts. For these people, being conscious of vulnerability and avoiding it could be a sign of growth attained through disappointments and other hurtful life experiences. 

Life is supposed to be a world of freedom where everyone lives without the fear of being hurt. However, the reverse has ever been the case and the disappointments we sometimes get from being open usually force us to make harsh decisions. As you can see, the snail freely explores the environment by bringing out the whole of itself. But once it senses a touch, it quickly withdraws into its shell to avoid being harmed. 

Another side to vulnerability is the inability to disengage yourself from abusive relationships because you believe they know too much of you already and walking away could make them stab you at the back with the information they have about you. It's so bad that even when such relationship is toxic, you continue to do everything possible to keep it so that they will continue to keep your information private. The bitter truth is that such attitude will never protect your sanity. It will only cause you to become more vulnerable over and over again. Take a bold step and reach for your mental freedom. The fact that a toxic person knows too much about you already is not enough reason to stay and cope with their toxicity while you sustain emotional bruises from time to time. Let them use your past, weaknesses and strengths against you behind your back, it is fine. The most important thing is that you should be mentally healthy. 

It is good to be open when you are sure of your security. But for the fact that security is difficult to measure and the heart cannot be seen, it is more rational to apply moderation and wisdom when you are outpouring yourself. Think of your 'carrying capacity' How much pain can you bear mentally without losing your sanity?

Being open truly  improves and builds trust in any kind of interpersonal relationship. But be sure you are keeping it in check because excess of everything remains bad. Or better still, be with people who value and handle your vulnerability with all sense of care and maturity.